Everybody's Somebody’s Bastard

The other day we were in the car on the way to a barbeque with friends. Somehow the topic of attraction came up and a reference was made to an ex-boyfriend of mine.
I responded with a semi-joking , “I’ve made a lot of mistakes in my life!!!”
David answered with “Well at least you can look back and…”
“Vomit?” I replied.

We laughed but I do feel very uneasy when I reflect on previous relationships. My husband and I found each other quite young so we are lucky enough not to have very full LBB’s or messy, long-winded break ups. But boy did those romances and splits feel serious at the time!
I did find myself drawn to some very unsuitable characters for me, and in addition to this I don’t think I ever showed the best of myself. Even my husband has seen the worst of me but he has also seen me at my very best and knows me inside out. He knows what is behind my flaws and even the mistakes I make and have made in my past. I’m not proud of the insecure, flighty, intense and argumentative girl that some very nice (and some awful!) young men dated between 2000 and 2004. I also feel sad when I think about some of the garbage that girl took during that period from some (or at times, all?) of those young men.

Out damned spot!

Similarly, I know that David has regrets. Both he and I had our hearts broken, and left a few broken hearts in our paths. Everybody makes mistakes and I suppose they shape who we become, but those experiences can be quite painful and humiliating at the time. I used to find it hard to squish that feeling of jealousy and inadequacy when I would compare myself to other girls he dated before we met. This is pretty damn silly (as he would always tell me!) as his choice was me, just as I choose him and would never think of going back to the days of my previous boyfriends either, or compare him to them.

The hearts we broke to bits.

So why do we compare ourselves to exes? An ex is an ex for a reason. The person they were at the time they were with your partner was totally wrong for him or her in some fundamental way, or the person who your partner was, was wrong for them. I use the word was because that is not who they are now. I am no longer a miserable teenager, nor a rebellious daughter, nor a doormat, or conversely a bitch.
I am an affectionate, supportive, strong, vulnerable, loving, humourous, caring wife.

This is probably the property of at least one of my high school boyfriends.

A few years ago someone I was chatting to at a party referred to my husband as a bastard because of her perception of him when slighted in her mid-teens. At the time I was speechless and angry at her rudeness, but also dumbfounded. My partner, a bastard? How could anyone have this view? The person who has seen me through anxiety, who cooks for us, who supported me through a masters degree, who daily says ‘I love you’, who chats with my parents, who writes warm words over every square centimeter of a birthday card, who praises my very ordinary body and looks upon me as though I was a greatly enviable beauty? The person who always has something kind to say to anyone he meets, cares about animals, misses his family when they are apart for too long, gets sentimental about young children and the babies we might have one day, talks openly about his love for his mates and gets along with every friend or acquaintance I introduce him to?

But to someone out there I suppose I will always be a hopelessly deluded romantic, a pest, a heartless ice queen or a lunatic. The fact is that my wonderful husband will quite possibly remain forever somebody’s "bastard" just as I will be somebody else’s crazy horrid “ex”. Even my amazing, loving and considerate father broke a heart in two out of general lack of commitment before he met my mother, and Mum has always said “Poor old *Sandra*”. My Dad is such a wonderful father and husband it seems ridiculous that he could be on somebody's bad list, but it is generally true of anyone and everyone.

Me, the ice queen.

To someone, your amazing, thoughtful, loving partner will always be somebody’s bastard! And hopefully your bastard ex is out there somewhere being a better person and caring for someone in a way they learned from their failure to make it work with you.

So I say smile and remember your partner is who he or she is now, with you - the person they choose to be with. They will probably continue to be somebody's bastard through the years, but hopefully will never be yours! They come armed with life lessons, a better understanding of you and relationship skills, thanks to that ex you can't stand. And who is reaping the benefits of that learning? Both of you in your relationship now!

Helpful links on this topic:

If you are having trouble comparing yourself to your partners exes there is an article here that suggests why you might be doing it and how to stop.
The three rules are essentially
1- Be aware that you are doing it
2- Choose your feelings: love not fear and inadequacy
3- Stay in the present moment rather than dwelling on the past.

And an article here to discuss with your partner if you feel a busybody ex is causing conflict in your relationship now.

Good luck!

Closeness and Space

A post a month? We must do better than this! Still I'll get on with it.

Today I want to look back on the month with a few thoughts on closeness and space in a marriage or other relationship where you live with your partner.
Let me start by saying I love spending time with my husband. If he is at home I'm in a big hurry to get done at work in the afternoon. If I have no specific committments on the weekend I'm thinking about the quality time I can spend with him and the things we can do just the two of us. But I also know that we need time apart.

I am a fan of the '5 Love Languages' theory by Dr Gary Chapman, and I think that quality time is a big part of how I communicate love. But spending time alone or with other friends is really important too. When David and I spend a night or two separate we really appreciate being back at home together. We contact each other a few times while we are apart, we get some time to connect with friends without being part of 'a couple' and the distance makes the heart grow fonder - there's lots of kisses involved when we reunite. Sometimes you would think we had spent weeks apart! So I know it's good for us to get some space and pursue our own interests and friendships.


One of the ways we do this is through Man Feast. Every month or so, David spends a night with a bunch of his male friends. Women are specifically banned. They do stereotypical blokey things like eat copious quantities of meat (presumably with no vegetables), drink beer, play video games and do horrible things to each other if someone falls asleep.

Poor Patrick.

I usually take the opportunity to catch up on work stuff, have a visit with my parents or do a bit of craft. I do like to scrapbook and make cards.


The latest Man Feast rolled around though, and I decided to retort with Girl Feast.
With her man engaged with the meat chewing, beer swilling, belch fest also, Lara joined me for an evening of pink frilly nonsense, girly drinks and an exclusive screening (in my lounge room!) of Beauty and the Beast - it was every bit as good as we remembered.

Pink decor to set the girlish tone.



Pink foods - pink lady apple and strawberry kabobs with pink yoghurt, taramousalata, spicy beetroot dip and hearts, and strawberry chocolate.





More pink, frills, aprons and tutus



Glowing pink champagne cocktails!

It was a great way to spend some time apart, with an opportunity to respectively get back in touch with our masculine/feminine sides - not to mention being silly, seeing friends, and doing something different. I think one of the great ways to stay close to your partner is by giving them and yourself some space.

Also I woke up in the morning without pen on my face, so it was an all around win.

Back to normal life with a bang - Happy Birthday Hubby!

Moving on from our honeymoon adventures which you can read about at https://lovelaughterwineadventuremarriage.blogspot.com

Coming home was a little hard. We miss travelling so much. I am settling back in to work well, and love the role I have been given as a literacy support teacher with a variety of ability groups, and helping students learn English as a second language. David has picked up freelance and casual work in a few different capacities – staging and props in a television show, audiovisual set up for events, crew work for festivals and one job that required him to go to Melbourne over night via business class air. Nice! He is still looking for something permanent but we are fine, enjoying the changes in our careers and being careful with our income so that we have lots to look forward to.


We started looking into a short break overseas in a midsemester school holiday next year. We are very keen on Asia and are checking out Thailand, Vietnam and Cambodia as possibilities. Vietnam is top of the list currently. We have had our wonderful friends Nathan and Lara express interest too. Nathan was one of David’s ‘Best Men’ at our wedding.


In the meantime it is so important to have things to look forward to. We really wanted to have a fun summer lined up so that getting back to the reality of life on home soil wouldn't be a downer. We are trying to be much more careful with money than we used to be, and have fun at home socialising with homemade dinners and drinks rather than our old habits of meals out and the odd visit to a bar or pub.

Not long after our return to Australia we had David’s birthday. I created a treasure hunt all around the house with gifts and poems. The gifts themselves were not that amazing, but it made it much more fun to present them this way. I thought they were pretty clever so I decided to share my riddles.

Happy Birthday Mr -----,
Here’s one present - But there’s more!
Not just poems or silly stunts,
You are now on a birthday hunt!
And if you search for present two –
(Do you want it? Sure you do!)
You’ll have to look somewhere so comfy,
Somewhere cosy, teal and lumpy,
Somewhere sheltered from the weather -
It’s got to be, it’s made of leather!

The next gift was on our teal leather sofa.

I am present one or two, depending how you see me,
I can get so close to you your wife might like to be me!
Let’s just call me present one,
a poem can’t beat me - I’m more fun!
I cover up your bits (and bum),
and who needs me? Everyone!
I’m brightly coloured, love to dance,
So have you guessed me? PARTY PANTS!

Inside the wrapping was a pair of funky coloured knickers and and following poem.

Let’s move on to present two,
Where am I? Do you need a clue?
I am somewhere that gets hot,
though when the sun is out - you’re not!
If you and I remain connected
your skin will surely be protected
Can you find me? Bump and bumble
To the place where your clothes tumble.

This last one was a hat in the tumble dryer.

You found me quickly! Damn and drat!
You were right -I am your hat!
Though if you went out to dance
With just me and your party pants
The missus could be pleased it’s true,
but crowds may not and nor might you!
Cover up those legs, you oughtta!
In summer you need something SHORTER!
Quickly think, don’t be a fool!
Where would you go to keep things cool?

This was a pair of shorts in the fridge where the next poem waited -

Ok you got me, fair is fair,
I’ll cover up your underwear,
and you can team us with your hat,
But bare-chested? What’s with that!
Please continue on your quest
Us next gifts you will like the best,
Of that we are very sure,
How do we know? We’ve seen your drawer!
What are we? You’ve had lots of clues!
Now find us where you keep your shoes!

A t-shirt waited on David's shoe rack. He is notorious for his huge t-shirt collection which spills out of his drawer!

Here I am without my friends,
When will this surprise hunt end?
I’m sure you’ve figured what I am,
So find my mates, I know you can!
There’s three of us so you have choices,
The next of us is somewhere boisterous,
Somewhere you can bang and thump,
Somewhere you can bash and bump,
Is it clear? Come on now chum,
Its hiding underneath your drum!

Another shirt was under his African drum...

Got it! Now the next one’s easy,
You know what I am and that you need me,
I’m the casual comfy way to be dressed,
You’ll find me where you take your rest!

A third shirt was under the bed.

You found your shirt where you like to snooze,
Now I know it’s early but where’s the booze?
Where’s the whisky, gin and wine?
That’s the hiding place that’s mine!
Your hunt’s not over, not quite yet.
See, for summer you are dressed,
But when you’re sitting on the sand,
Bum on towel and beer in hand,
There’s still one thing you just might need
And that is something good to read.

A book called 'The Leisure Seeker' lay under our wine rack.

You guessed me! Not so long that took.
I gave a good hint – I’m a book!
But Mrs XXXX is all for choice,
So find another where you raise your voice.
Somewhere that you sing (or scream!),
Where you use soaps, shampoos and creams,
The last stop on the birthday train,
In a place of hot, clean steaming rain.

Waiting in the shower on the shampoo rack was another novel - The Book Thief

Get me out of here! I’m made of paper!
If I get wet it’s ‘See you later!’
Now there’s one last stop for something delicious
In the room with the fridge and mugs and dishes.
It’s almost time for cuddles and lovin’
But lastly, you can check the oven.

In the oven was a birthday cake - or an IOU for one!

There’s one thing I have left to say,
Simply darling, Happy Birthday!
May it be a day of love and fun
And lots of wine for everyone.
Even when we’re low on money
I’m high on love ‘cause you’re my honey.
And in this time of careful thrift
I hope you liked your treasure hunt gift.
You’re the best husband I could ask for,
My once upon a time and my happily ever after,
If I could give you the world you know I would
And one day I will ‘cause you’re that damn good!
Let’s get ready for the day, got to think about timing –
And thank god for that since I’m fresh out of rhyming!